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[14 Mar 2006|02:19am] |
i'm afraid.
i'm afraid to walk down the street alone. i'm afraid of strangers on the other line of the phone.
i'm afraid of pain, and ghosts, and death. i'm afraid i'll never learn my lesson.
i'm afraid there's nothing else after this.
i'm afraid of anger, real violence. i'm afraid of losing the things i really care about, of being hurt by the few who could really do damamge.
i'm afraid of new situations. i'm afraid i'm not smart enough, or pretty enough, or funny enough, or skinny enough.
i'm afraid that none of it really matters. i'm afraid because my mom is sick and my grandparents are old. i'm afraid that i might be sick. i'm afraid of how sure i am that i can never have kids.
i'm afraid of debt and that we'll only end up like my parents did. i'm afraid to ask for help for anything. i'm afraid that someday everyone will tire of this passive aggressive bullshit.
the only thing i'm not afraid of is fear. it's so familiar that i wear it like a security blanket.
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[01 Mar 2006|12:27pm] |
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I woke up this morning with a need to have someone soft and small laying there with me. Warm, with fruity smelling hair that I could wrap my hands in and kiss them until our lips were sore.
But, alas, I have only the boy thing. And even he wasn't there when I woke up.
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[18 Feb 2006|03:04am] |
Just stop. You're not proving anything, or really accomplishing anything. What's the point?
I'll just move stuff around again.
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| medicate me so i die happy |
[13 Feb 2006|03:53am] |
inside. that's all there is. i'm nothing in this. nothing. there's something broke. inside.
i'm pushing hard against it. against something that i don't even know if i really want it, or if i just want it to go away. pushing and running at the same time. and it's not about you, goddammit. let it be my problem and mine alone.
it's one of those times where i want to scream so loud that it fills the whole house.
but there's people asleep.
i want to be drunk and in bed. to forget. to ignore.
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[10 Feb 2006|12:48am] |
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Could she be more of a fucking bitch? I want to quit, but I can't. I need the money. I need a new job. A real job, a full time job. I want to punch her in the goddamn face.
Scheduled me for only 17 hours next week because I wouldn't cover a shift yesterday. I had an appointment at the vet's office that would've cost me more to cancel than I would've made covering that shift. I know she thinks she's important because she can "punish" people for shit. But all it does is prove how much of a stupid bitch she is.
I'm one of the very few employees that has stuck around, only called off once and usually cover other people's shifts. I do my job, and I do it well most of the time. I'm on time. And I don't steal. But that apparently doesn't matter if you work there.
I want to tell her she can shove Sharon's head up her fucking ass.
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[04 Feb 2006|01:20pm] |
Everybody in the universe has a myspace account. It's good I always have good old livejournal, just in case I want to rant about certain things.
It's a little hard to complain about your boyfriend, when its so easy for them to read it.
Kelly called in today. I felt bad for the poor girl, she was miserable last night because she was so sick. Sharon wanted me to come in early so she wouldn't be working alone. And I said, no.
Heh. I suppose I could use the extra hours but if I went in I'd be doing everything and she'd find somewhere to sit down. So she's by herself the whole shift.
If someone else can come in at five I'll be working by myself too, but only for an hour. They probably won't let that happen though.
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| Random Ana facts...hah... |
[04 Feb 2006|12:41am] |
Ana can smell some things up to six miles away.
Ana is the only person who knows how to pronounce the exclamation mark.
The punishment for manslaughter in El Salvador is 35 years of Ana's pity without parole.
Ana has won every lottery she's ever entered....even without the winning ticket.
Ana uses e before i as she pleases.
Ana killed Tupac over a bag of Cheetos.
Ana can rip a Yellow Pages in half with her vagina.
You can douse Ana in gasoline, but it is too frightened of her to ignite. Ana pities the fuel.
If Ana scratches an itch, the itch never itches again.
Ana destroyed the periodic table, saying Ana only recognizes the element of surprise.
Ana was the pope, twice.
Ana can win a game of chess in one move.
Ana scared the black out of Michael Jackson.
There is no theory of evolution, only a list of animals Ana allows to live.
Ana has two speeds: walk and kill.
Ana is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Ana can divide by zero.
Ana does not "drop it like its hot." To suggest that anything is too hot for Ana to hold is laughable.
Ana is the only person who knows why paper can beat rock.
Peanuts are allergic to Ana.
Ana defied MC Hammer and touched it.
Like the ying-yang symbol, Ana is equal parts good and evil. Unlike the ying-yang symbol, Ana eats babies.
Ana has been know to ridicule Jesus for taking 3 days to rise from the dead.
Ana, as a fetus, survived 13 abortion attempts. She came out the womb with an umbilical cord that would eventually kill the doctor.
Ana killed the Dead Sea.
Ana's tears cure cancer. Too bad she's never cried.
Ana counted to infinity, twice.
If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Ana.
Ana doesn't read books. She stares them down until she gets the information she wants.
Before he forgot a gift for Ana, Santa was real.
Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Ana open you would find another Ana, only smaller and angrier.
Ana can eat soup with a fork.
Ana invented the spoon because killing people with knives was too easy.
Ana can unscramble an egg.
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| my bologna never had a first a name. |
[27 Jan 2006|02:47am] |
So I'm home. I'm very tired. I went over to Patrick's house after work. That was quite fun. *evil grin*
I work another six day week. Fucking ridiculous. Most places you have work five days a week and get 40 hours. I have to work six days just to get 31 hours. It's not really a hard job, but Christ on a cracker, I'd like some time off.
Anybody got a job they wanna give me?
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| mighty mouse ate the cheese |
[26 Jan 2006|03:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bored |
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So..I'm really sleepy. My body says "Go to bed, bitch." But my brain refuses. It wants to write, to type, to think. To do something.
No one is online right now. And I have nothing to write about.
Maybe I should just go upstairs and read.
I'm in the process of reading five different books right now. Son of a Witch, Chronicles of Narnia, the Redemption of Althalus, Angela's Ashes, and Wicca, a Guide for the Solitary Practioner. If I believed ADD was real, I'd say I have it.
So off I go.
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| A new beginning... |
[25 Jan 2006|07:19pm] |
So I made a new journal. I was growing quite tired of the old one, the look, the name and everything. So something new was in order.
That's it for now, as I have to go to work.
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